What are you doing son?!

"What are you doing son?!". This phrase is normally used for football fans when a player or manager has done something that the football fan doesn't like, for this post I am using this phrase because this describes how I think my life is going right now, since my last post a couple of things has changed in my life.

Firstly I am no longer in a relationship - which has had it's pros and cons; secondly, I have finished school and gone onto sixth form; which is actually at the same school I was going to. Thirdly, I have lost and gained a couple of friends; hopefully after this post I will sort the third one out....moving on. The reason I have listed a couple of these things is that looking at my life up till now all I can say is "what are you doing son?!".

Sixth form has had its ups and downs; some days it has left me happy and some days....not so much, and Friday I had a "not so much" day. I was travelling home on the bus from the local shopping centre (Bluewater) and my phone decided to run out of battery power while I was listening to music. Without music, all that it left me was to look outside of the window and brood.... and as I brooded I looked at my life, all my achievements and my failings and I came to one conclusion "what are you doing son?!" I looked through all my mistakes and failings and I played them over and over and over inside my head, the screaming of thousands of little me's asking why I did that, what I should have done and why it's my fault. I can't change the past but I can change the present and the future.

Over these few weeks there has been a new addition to my group of friends; this person will remain anonymous for this post, but this person has made me feel very different about myself. At first this person sounded cool and good for the group but then it started to change, I felt as if I was being left out, pushed out of the group this person started to show their true colours and it wasn't nice. I ignored it at first and finally got back into the group; their second change seemed to change their actions towards me, they made me feel singled out again, but this time inside the group; this person has seen that I am a easy target; I have always been, but...the level this person treats me I can't stand it no more. I am sick of being treated like dirt, sick of being the so called "weird and creepy" one, I am SICK OF BEING THE END OF ALL JOKES AND PRANKS. I AM A HUMAN BEING, TREAT ME LIKE ONE!

Every time I try and stand up for myself this person's catchphrase is "Fight me"; this person also knows that I will not stand up to that challenge and even if I did I would be beaten to a pulp, my reaction to this is "sure beat me to a pulp, but it takes the bigger man to walk away". If my friends are reading this, they will understand who I am talking about, from this day on, I know I am the bigger man to walk away, I know that I might mess up or make a mistake....who doesn't? and I know I might lose this fight but I know that I have made the right decision to walk away.

I AM JOHN MACHAN, NOW ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.....MISTAKES AND ALL!