A confession

To all my regular viewers of my blog, i have a confession to make...i felt as if this blog has kind of drifted. i felt as this blog needs a rest for a while. i would like to thank everybody who viewed this blog, it has been a life changing and tough learning experience. i have decided that a more personal blog was needed. something that i could spill my thoughts and experiences, if you wish to keep reading more about what's going on in my life, i have created a new blog that i hope will grow. This has been a hard decision, but this blog will forever be my first blog. The experiences and times that i have had will never been gone to waste. 

Below is a link to my new blog that will be more personal and hopefully be about me learning about the life lessons in life that theirs is.

http://theintrovertsguidetothegalaxy.blogspot.co.uk/

Fish fingers and custard

Decisions, decisions, decisions......decisions.

To explain the mood that i am in, i would have to say....undecided. I came home from having a wonderful time round a friends house and frankly, i haven't the foggyest idea what i am or what i want to do? Am i hungry? Thirsty? Bored? Angry? Happy? Do i want to watch a DVD, if so which film from the mass category and genre of movie shall i watch? Sleepy, do i need sleep....do i want sleep? Loved? In love? Have loved? WHAT DO I NEED?! If only i came with an instruction manual, i could look up the troubleshoot section and see if i need to be turned on and off again. What am i doing? breathing, drinking a fizzy drink, looking at a screen, typing. I'm so confused....am i really confused, is my mood confused. the reason i have named this blog post is due to the first appearance of the 11th doctor Matt smith playing the doctor he finds himself essentially stuck, stuck in a state of confusion that could be counted as undecided, finding himself hungry, the young Amy pond makes various dishes of food for him to eat, until he finds an odd companion to fish fingers.......custard. Anyway....this mood can kinda tell and explain my life right now, i'm undecided. undecided on where to go next or head back to? Am i going forwards with my life, backwards, sideways?

So many questions, so little answers.

Some answers would be great.....

John (SalvoSoldier)

Memories

Memories, they are good and bad. We can spend quite a lot of money preserving memories, they can be in the form of bronzing babies boots or other items; we can take pictures and preserve them in a photo book, we can make videos of special memories and watch them years later. Those types of memories are the ones that we want to remember. Now i say want because most memories we remember are the one that we disliked, those types of memories haunt us, torment us, and could even make us go crazy. I had a chat with my friend and i will give you the gist of it, for me to move on and change, and basically give up the past. Looking back at the past, i have had a rather good life, life has been good with me. But for some reason i can only seem to find and only remember the bad things, the people that have hurt me, the people that i have hurt myself, the people i could have hurt if i made a different decision at the time. I'm going to be completely honest with you, i don't like looking back at the past.....but it's like im fixed to watch it. It torments me sometimes knowing what i have done to people who i have called friend. I have regret for a lot of things i have done and could have done, they drift and can even appear just when i don't want them to. Memories hurt for some people, and the funny thing is....sometimes, you can't even see it. You could know somebody for years, and think you know them, but they could have suffered, suffering from, or even soon to suffer. I'm saying this because....i basically try to live in the present, because the past is hard to find good things, and i'm scared about the future, knowing what i have done in the present and the past. It only takes the time of a click of a finger for something to change. It's scary to know, but it's true. Time is the past, present and future. Lived, Lives, Will live. And i need time for things to change, i need to change myself....again. I need to stop thinking and worrying about the past and future and i need to accept that things happen, i essentially need to man up.

For people that have read this and is in my life, please remember. I don't want to talk about the whole past, some things are left buried and locked away, now if you try to bury those memories up, i will shut down and walk away. So don't pressure me please, i'm not saying this to sound controlling but it's something i wish not to talk about, we all have those memories we keep locked away and im sure you wouldn't want people going through them, this is something i want to change at my own pace, myself.

The next few weeks, months, years....however long it will take, it going to be hard.

Yours

John (SalvoSoldier)

The american dream

Funny name for a blog post isn't it? It's funny really because i live and was born in the south east of England. Many people have heard the phrase, "I'm living the american dream!". The american dream was created during america's great wall street crash, and throughout the great depression. It was mainly a dream of freedom and a trouble free life, but it all came down to a common theme...happiness. The image that goes with this post is taken from the book, of mice and men. The book was written by John Steinbeck, it follows two men, Lenny and George, two average men working during the great depression, in the book they have a dream of having their own farm with a care free life. I won't ruin the ending for people who haven't read the book but the picture is somewhere near the start where they are camping by a river after a long day walking to the next job (a farm), and the thing that keeps them going is the dream, the dream of happiness. Now your probably thinking how does the american dream relate to a south east British teenager? Well everybody has their dreams and dream jobs, some people wish to be rich and famous, some of us what to be a change to society, and some of us want to be animals (don't ask). My dream job is to be a computer technician, i LOVE computers, it just amazes me how people can build such cool looking and fast computers. I have people say what's your dream to have experienced or have. I have though about it and i would have to say, happiness, sure i get happy and it's good to be happy but i'm not truly a happy person. Things go right and things...well lots of things go wrong. Over these few weeks it's like i have been taken 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I dream of a world where thing's don't go wrong and i'm internally happy, but the thing is, it's not real. That type of life isn't real, people say things are good but inside they know it's not. something will always go wrong and you have to accept it, fix it or if unfixable, move on with your life. It sounds depressing because it is. To explain life it's a bit like the Ying Yang symbol, where there is good, there is also bad and being realistic it's a constant battle of good and evil. But the thing is, if something didn't go wrong, living in a world where nothing bad happen or nothing needs to be fixed. We would get bored, we would be physically bored stiff. Their wouldn't be any hard work needed to be done because you would know it would go right. Motivation and determination to get things done wouldn't be needed and well we would be all happy smiling people with things going right, just imagining it, is depressing. So am i saying that bad things happening is good....no. it's not good but it's the thing that keeps us on our toes, i guess describing it. It's the thing that makes us work, the motivation to keep living. The determination to get out of bed.

In conclusion, bad things in life are just the road we take to reach the reward of that little spark of emotion called happiness. Which in my head just features Marvin the paranoid android saying "I think you ought to know i'm feeling very depressed"

Until next time bloggers and blog readers :)

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

Modern camouflage

I was on my way home from a frankly horrible day at sixth form, I decided to get off at the bus and walk through the shopping center through the town to get to the next bus stop (i take two buses to get home), and due to my bad mood i decided that i needed to be introverted. During my introverted state, i decided to block the whole world out and just think (mainly with blaring rock music), my mind gave me a question. Ponder this for a moment, if you had one super power....what would it be and why? you can guess by reading the name of the title what super power i decided. I chose to have modern camouflage, being an introvert i just dislike having to make small talk when i just want to be left alone, which i think most if not all introverts suffer from as well. Having the ability to just maneuver through a crowd and not get noticed. I pondered about the reasons why i would have this power...well to be honest, i have been getting noticed quite a lot recently, quite a few reasons. The first is that i have decided to let my hair grow a bit, i have now the ability to put it up into a pony tail, the downside i have been called so many look a likes, mainly the words Johnny Depp as i don't shave as much as i should do and have a wonderful mustache and chin hair to go with the look *sighs* *pretends to write note and speaks while writing* must, remember, to get a, shave. The second reason is that i'm pretty sure that my little sister is a extrovert, don't get me wrong she is a wonderful person to know, but she has a "loud" personality, which is a good thing but not exactly great for an introvert, so i get a lot of kids while i'm in an introverted state coming up to me in school and on the bus with the same question are you (my sisters name) brother. Which at first was OK, but now just kinda gets on my nerves (to put it lightly). I rather have recently been watching the BBC television show Sherlock, and their was a wonderful quote that said "The art of disguise is how to hide in plain sight" which leaped out to me, because my personal opinion of modern camouflage is the ability to hide in plain sight.

If you so wish, please comment on what your power would be and why and how would it be helpful? I would love to hear it! 

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

The Future (with a little tangent about my personality trait)

Have you ever heard the saying "what will the future hold for me?", or something along those lines? Today's Blog post is about the future. I have only recently woken up and checked my news feed on the popular social  networking site Facebook, today is one of the dreaded days for children who have recently left secondary school....results day. I remember my results day, it was a rather scary moment and viewing if i had the grades to get into Sixth form, well as you probably know from my previous posts i got in, but today looking at some of the status's, some was pleased about their results, some not so much. Over these few months where i have not been blogging, i have been thinking and researching, my father got me to take this test, it's called the Myers Briggs test, this test gives you a rough idea about your personality and the way you act in situations. If your familiar with this test your probably asking what category i am in, i am an ISTP. Most, maybe even all ISTP people take their lives one day at a time and don't tent to look towards the future that much, i can personally say yes, i try and take each day at a time because to be honest, the future scares me. When i say scared, i don't mean the future is a scary monster going to get me in my sleep or something. I mean that the future makes me worried about decisions, things like finding a job and education choices. Being an introvert, (The first letter in ISTP) I think thoroughly and sometimes too much, it could be about anything and everything, how situations could happen if i did this and what would be the reaction, apparently this is an advantage for an ISTP as if that situation occurs they have experience and have a rough idea what is going to happen. I personally can see a disadvantage that i have heard from a group that i am in on Facebook is that some ISTP's have the tendency to over think about things and need to stop. I have reached that stage before and it can give you a headache. This rough explanation gives you an idea why the future is personally scary for me and they way that i think.

To sum everything up, the future is scary and take the Myers Briggs test (it help you learn about yourself) it does wonders to help you learn about what makes you tick as a person.

Until next time Bloggers and Blog readers,

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

When life gives you lemons, watch a toddler?

Hello fellow bloggers and blog readers

When life gives you lemons, i have heard that saying so many times, in movies and in real life. I never really understood the meaning of it. Well someday hopefully i will, this few months it has been like life giving me lemons but a solutions for the blues has only come recently. Picture the situation, your in a crowded bus near the front and there a family on the bus with a small toddler your listening to your music while being shoved when the bus moves a corner, you cannot help but look at this small toddler no more than 3-4 years old, it looks up at you with it's small face but huge innocent eyes and you cannot help but smile. everything that was going on during that time didn't matter due to this small innocent toddler, it wasn't only me that was being affected there was at least another two more people that couldn't stop smiling. I urge anybody who has the blues to visit a friends house who has a toddler or watch a couple of YouTube videos with toddlers, you will find it hard not to smile.

So i leave you with this saying "when live gives you lemons, watch a toddler"

Until next time bloggers and blog readers

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

Just another update blog post (Sorry)

To all my Blog readers, i first off want to apoligise for the lack of posts and the mass stream of update posts. I'm finding that i am having less time to put aside to blog let alone blog something interesting. sixth form work has taken over an is becoming more important than anything else. nothing important has happened recently that i could have counted as interesting. so lets home that something happens.

i once again apoligise for the lack of posts, if anybody has any ideas to help me out of this lack of blog posts, contributions would be grateful.

until next time blog readers

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

Oh what's the point?!

Now being in sixth form i have having less time to blog, but today i have the time to write a quite blog post to talk about how the few months have been and in more detail these past 2 weeks. I'm not going to lie but it has been less and less good by the minute. Anything that goes slighty right, something 10 times worse goes wrong and has been making me less and less concentrated with my work, not only this has affected me but also the friends and family i have. The reason for the name of the blog post, is that a 2 days ago i posted these words on my what's app (instant message application) status. "what's the point of doing anything, if all i am going to lose". I'm not going to talk in detail what has happened but all i am going to say is once again i have lost more friends, or at least might. My feelings for this is that i am stupid with friend , nothing has been going right and that my life is falling apart and im letting it happen. Hopefully things work out for me soon and i might be getting a "CBT" or also know as compulsary basic training (motorbikes/mopeds). Will keep you updated on things as it happens.

Also, one more thing.

Never lose those most closest to you, it hurts too much to lose.

Until next time fellow bloggers and blog readers

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

What are you doing son?!

"What are you doing son?!". This phrase is normally used for football fans when a player or manager has done something that the football fan doesn't like, for this post I am using this phrase because this describes how I think my life is going right now, since my last post a couple of things has changed in my life.

Firstly I am no longer in a relationship - which has had it's pros and cons; secondly, I have finished school and gone onto sixth form; which is actually at the same school I was going to. Thirdly, I have lost and gained a couple of friends; hopefully after this post I will sort the third one out....moving on. The reason I have listed a couple of these things is that looking at my life up till now all I can say is "what are you doing son?!".

Sixth form has had its ups and downs; some days it has left me happy and some days....not so much, and Friday I had a "not so much" day. I was travelling home on the bus from the local shopping centre (Bluewater) and my phone decided to run out of battery power while I was listening to music. Without music, all that it left me was to look outside of the window and brood.... and as I brooded I looked at my life, all my achievements and my failings and I came to one conclusion "what are you doing son?!" I looked through all my mistakes and failings and I played them over and over and over inside my head, the screaming of thousands of little me's asking why I did that, what I should have done and why it's my fault. I can't change the past but I can change the present and the future.

Over these few weeks there has been a new addition to my group of friends; this person will remain anonymous for this post, but this person has made me feel very different about myself. At first this person sounded cool and good for the group but then it started to change, I felt as if I was being left out, pushed out of the group this person started to show their true colours and it wasn't nice. I ignored it at first and finally got back into the group; their second change seemed to change their actions towards me, they made me feel singled out again, but this time inside the group; this person has seen that I am a easy target; I have always been, but...the level this person treats me I can't stand it no more. I am sick of being treated like dirt, sick of being the so called "weird and creepy" one, I am SICK OF BEING THE END OF ALL JOKES AND PRANKS. I AM A HUMAN BEING, TREAT ME LIKE ONE!

Every time I try and stand up for myself this person's catchphrase is "Fight me"; this person also knows that I will not stand up to that challenge and even if I did I would be beaten to a pulp, my reaction to this is "sure beat me to a pulp, but it takes the bigger man to walk away". If my friends are reading this, they will understand who I am talking about, from this day on, I know I am the bigger man to walk away, I know that I might mess up or make a mistake....who doesn't? and I know I might lose this fight but I know that I have made the right decision to walk away.

I AM JOHN MACHAN, NOW ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.....MISTAKES AND ALL!

I'm not dead!

Hello my fellow blog readers, this is going to be a update blog post. It has been a few months since I wrote a blog post and the reasons are many, one of the reasons is that it was the exam season for the year 11s so I had to revise many subjects. Lucky for me is that I only had about 4-5 exams to do, some harder than others but nonetheless i think I have taken a good shot at passing. Being in year 11 means I had to make the choice of work or further education. I picked further education hoping to learn more about the subjects I took at GCSE level. I recently went for an induction (taster) day for what sixth form will be like, after those two days I can say that I think I made a good choice with staying onto further education. And today I have been hunting for summer job places so I can do something "productive" with the free time that I have and so I'm earning some money for me. I just think it is so my parents can get me out of the house for a few days while still making some money. Either way I have a interview for possible help about Job interviews on Monday. I have a few things coming up (summer school, and a week with the family) which could give me some ideas for more blog posts because frankly I have been having writers block. I have ideas but nothing strong enough to be able to put onto paper I have some ideas about a song that has been putting into a really good mood every time i listen to it, for the music people who read my blog it is called "Bring me to life" by Evanescence it really gets me "pumped" with energy with the sound of the guitar and the drum beat. Well that seems to wrap up what I have been doing these past few months I probably have more but that is really all that I can remember.

(A little side note this was made last Friday and I forgot to upload this. But to keep fully updated things went great with the interview)

Until next time blog readers

SalvoSoldier (john Machan)

Introvert or Extrovert

Reading the title of this blog which one would you say you are? Looking at me I would say I am for definite a introvert. This week my dad (also a blogger) has been showing me pictures about introverts. And one really stood out to me it was a picture saying how to care for introverts with a list of rules. This really summed me up with what I want people to know. While at church yesterday I was talking with my dad and our C.O and I said about the picture and she said about two types of people, turtles and skunks, skunks being extroverts and turtles being introverts. When somebody is angry a extrovert will shout back like a skunk when it makes a stink up. A introvert will curl up and hope they leave them alone like a turtle when it goes back into it's shell. When I'm angry I do the same thing I put my music on, blocking myself from the world. I am a introvert and I'm proud of it!

felt like sharing this today

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

just relax....

this week has been most about thinking, lots of thinking. this week has been weird due to it being the complete opposite around today this may sound like complete gibberish, so im going to explain. it started around monday when i felt so alive after a wonderful day on sunday when i had another toronto blessing but this time my youth leader told my parents and my dad (who is also a blogger) had a wonderful christian talk and i got me thinking and i said to myself that i would blog about it...that didn't happen. tuesday came and my father asked if i had blogged, unfortunalty i forgot about it and done the same thing on tuesday as everybody knows it is now a wednesday and now i finally get up write something this got me thinking if i relax to much when i snap under stress (these past few weeks have been stressful due to coursework) and the answer to that question is yes i do but last thursday i redeemed myself by staying afterschool untill 5.00 catching up on coursework. after having a nice cup of tea i reckon i should get some sleep for a day of IT coursework to do tomorrow

sleep well fellow bloggers

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

message to my readers

hey readers of my blog i know i have not written any new blog entry's lately due to the fact that i have been mostly revising for important exams. i have not forgotten or abandoned blogging so iwll try and get back into doing blogging as fast as i can so don't lose hope i have had a stressful day because of projects needing to be completed.

to sum up im coping but will get round to blogging sometime.


SalvoSoldier (john machan)

Boredom

Bored...we all get it. today as you guessed it in the title i was bored. I had nothing to do....literary, and I'm not stretching the truth. In my spare time and when I'm bored i write blog post's like now. and today i seemed to have 'writers block' now most to all writer would know and have had writer's block. for people who are not writer's, I'm going to explain what it is. Writer's block is when your stuck and can't seem to add more on to the text that you are writing, this can be temporarily and sometimes it can be long term. the only cure that i can think of is time right now I'm having writers block which is very annoying

To conclude I'm going to have to wrap this up quickly so writer's block not nice when bored

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

My point of view

My thought for the day is my point of view

Today was a day that i think turned out well. after reaching school i chatted with one of my mates. he then said the words "I read your Blog yesterday" which i was surprised at when he said it. I then asked if he he had read some of my most recent posts. He then said yes and then added that he would be more helpful when people are being rude to me and i think that really brightened the mood of this week. I think that after that conversation things turned out good today while finding out it was two of my mates that read my blog so even better turn out. i hope that it stays good for the weekend


So in conclusion this week started badly and ended on a good point. I hope it stays that way for the weekend.
I'm in a good mood so lets keep it this way. haven't got much planned for the weekend (just the way i like it)

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

Forget it!

Today's thought for the day is forget it

"forget it!" This is an expression is used quite a lot when something seems impossible. If today if i could sum up the day i would say "forget it!" and then walk away. Once again another depressing day which has left me to write more depressing Blog posts. Things was going wrong everywhere and leaving me annoyed and i had to drop everything and needed to walk away, but as normal i put up with it, which made me even more depressed. while trying to be unnoticeable is not helping either. Things are falling apart piece by piece and I'm letting it happen.

Really needing to rest

Salvosoldier (John Machan)

Glass box

The thought for the day is "glass box".

Today once again another depressing day, things going wrong and people being annoying. During my lunch i got really annoyed with people and just needed some time to recover my thoughts, so i walked up the metal stairs near where we usually congregate and i looked out and down at everybody was in their little groups chatting and only 2 people noticed and starting being annoying by jumping up and shouting then went to back with what they was doing. and it made me think i wished that i could go into a little glass box and just watch things just past by as if it was nothing. being unnoticeable can be good and helpful like when you want people to leave you alone. but the bad thing is that when you want to be noticed it just doesn't happen and you feel locked inside the glass box. while up on that metal staircase it felt good to be alone it felt relaxing and all i could feel the gentle breeze.

To conclude it seems that this is only the start of a bad week. I have idea's on what is making me depressed and i think i should really talk to somebody about this. The good thing is that i am coping and should really be looking on the good side, the problem is I'm questioning if there is ever a good side on anything.

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

review of this week

I felt just now just summing up with my week after posting some really depressing posts. The first thing is that i want to say is that i have worked out that i was just having a bad week. The second is that i am fine now but im just have a stinking cold right now which don't help (little joke there). The third thing is that i'm really happy to have a wonderful girlfriend who has helped me in my really bad week (who is also in my profile picture for blogger), i have no idea where i would be without her. anyway i just felt summing up this week hoping i haven't made anybody feel bad. Being unnoticable can do this to me. Just one more thing i wanted to say anybody who is reading this and is thinking of starting a blog i just want to say is put what you feel when writing it really helps when you need to speak out. after putting this advice into action i have posted more blog posts than i did last year in a entire week.

To conclude this week has been bad but with a turn around at the weekend. Wow to i love weekends they are the best and most helpful.

In a good mood.

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

Fading in and out of the background

The thought for today is fading in and out of the background

Today has been another day in the bad week i have been having. Adding to my last post i have been thinking about a new post and finally found one that has just came to me after looking back at today. my week has been quite a depressing one. today i felt like i was fading into the background i felt alone i was talking to people but it seemed that they didn't really want to know. i think the unoticeable side seems to be growing like it a parasite. I seem to accepted that i try to be unnoticeable but today i didn't really want to be unnoticeable. it seems that being unnoticeable it a gift but also can be a curse or that i am having a bad week.

To conclude i think i need some sleep and need to really thing about this quite alot, and i think im just having a bad week.



Night blog readers

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)