What are you doing son?!

"What are you doing son?!". This phrase is normally used for football fans when a player or manager has done something that the football fan doesn't like, for this post I am using this phrase because this describes how I think my life is going right now, since my last post a couple of things has changed in my life.

Firstly I am no longer in a relationship - which has had it's pros and cons; secondly, I have finished school and gone onto sixth form; which is actually at the same school I was going to. Thirdly, I have lost and gained a couple of friends; hopefully after this post I will sort the third one out....moving on. The reason I have listed a couple of these things is that looking at my life up till now all I can say is "what are you doing son?!".

Sixth form has had its ups and downs; some days it has left me happy and some days....not so much, and Friday I had a "not so much" day. I was travelling home on the bus from the local shopping centre (Bluewater) and my phone decided to run out of battery power while I was listening to music. Without music, all that it left me was to look outside of the window and brood.... and as I brooded I looked at my life, all my achievements and my failings and I came to one conclusion "what are you doing son?!" I looked through all my mistakes and failings and I played them over and over and over inside my head, the screaming of thousands of little me's asking why I did that, what I should have done and why it's my fault. I can't change the past but I can change the present and the future.

Over these few weeks there has been a new addition to my group of friends; this person will remain anonymous for this post, but this person has made me feel very different about myself. At first this person sounded cool and good for the group but then it started to change, I felt as if I was being left out, pushed out of the group this person started to show their true colours and it wasn't nice. I ignored it at first and finally got back into the group; their second change seemed to change their actions towards me, they made me feel singled out again, but this time inside the group; this person has seen that I am a easy target; I have always been, but...the level this person treats me I can't stand it no more. I am sick of being treated like dirt, sick of being the so called "weird and creepy" one, I am SICK OF BEING THE END OF ALL JOKES AND PRANKS. I AM A HUMAN BEING, TREAT ME LIKE ONE!

Every time I try and stand up for myself this person's catchphrase is "Fight me"; this person also knows that I will not stand up to that challenge and even if I did I would be beaten to a pulp, my reaction to this is "sure beat me to a pulp, but it takes the bigger man to walk away". If my friends are reading this, they will understand who I am talking about, from this day on, I know I am the bigger man to walk away, I know that I might mess up or make a mistake....who doesn't? and I know I might lose this fight but I know that I have made the right decision to walk away.

I AM JOHN MACHAN, NOW ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.....MISTAKES AND ALL!

I'm not dead!

Hello my fellow blog readers, this is going to be a update blog post. It has been a few months since I wrote a blog post and the reasons are many, one of the reasons is that it was the exam season for the year 11s so I had to revise many subjects. Lucky for me is that I only had about 4-5 exams to do, some harder than others but nonetheless i think I have taken a good shot at passing. Being in year 11 means I had to make the choice of work or further education. I picked further education hoping to learn more about the subjects I took at GCSE level. I recently went for an induction (taster) day for what sixth form will be like, after those two days I can say that I think I made a good choice with staying onto further education. And today I have been hunting for summer job places so I can do something "productive" with the free time that I have and so I'm earning some money for me. I just think it is so my parents can get me out of the house for a few days while still making some money. Either way I have a interview for possible help about Job interviews on Monday. I have a few things coming up (summer school, and a week with the family) which could give me some ideas for more blog posts because frankly I have been having writers block. I have ideas but nothing strong enough to be able to put onto paper I have some ideas about a song that has been putting into a really good mood every time i listen to it, for the music people who read my blog it is called "Bring me to life" by Evanescence it really gets me "pumped" with energy with the sound of the guitar and the drum beat. Well that seems to wrap up what I have been doing these past few months I probably have more but that is really all that I can remember.

(A little side note this was made last Friday and I forgot to upload this. But to keep fully updated things went great with the interview)

Until next time blog readers

SalvoSoldier (john Machan)

Introvert or Extrovert

Reading the title of this blog which one would you say you are? Looking at me I would say I am for definite a introvert. This week my dad (also a blogger) has been showing me pictures about introverts. And one really stood out to me it was a picture saying how to care for introverts with a list of rules. This really summed me up with what I want people to know. While at church yesterday I was talking with my dad and our C.O and I said about the picture and she said about two types of people, turtles and skunks, skunks being extroverts and turtles being introverts. When somebody is angry a extrovert will shout back like a skunk when it makes a stink up. A introvert will curl up and hope they leave them alone like a turtle when it goes back into it's shell. When I'm angry I do the same thing I put my music on, blocking myself from the world. I am a introvert and I'm proud of it!

felt like sharing this today

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

just relax....

this week has been most about thinking, lots of thinking. this week has been weird due to it being the complete opposite around today this may sound like complete gibberish, so im going to explain. it started around monday when i felt so alive after a wonderful day on sunday when i had another toronto blessing but this time my youth leader told my parents and my dad (who is also a blogger) had a wonderful christian talk and i got me thinking and i said to myself that i would blog about it...that didn't happen. tuesday came and my father asked if i had blogged, unfortunalty i forgot about it and done the same thing on tuesday as everybody knows it is now a wednesday and now i finally get up write something this got me thinking if i relax to much when i snap under stress (these past few weeks have been stressful due to coursework) and the answer to that question is yes i do but last thursday i redeemed myself by staying afterschool untill 5.00 catching up on coursework. after having a nice cup of tea i reckon i should get some sleep for a day of IT coursework to do tomorrow

sleep well fellow bloggers

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

message to my readers

hey readers of my blog i know i have not written any new blog entry's lately due to the fact that i have been mostly revising for important exams. i have not forgotten or abandoned blogging so iwll try and get back into doing blogging as fast as i can so don't lose hope i have had a stressful day because of projects needing to be completed.

to sum up im coping but will get round to blogging sometime.


SalvoSoldier (john machan)