Fish fingers and custard

Decisions, decisions, decisions......decisions.

To explain the mood that i am in, i would have to say....undecided. I came home from having a wonderful time round a friends house and frankly, i haven't the foggyest idea what i am or what i want to do? Am i hungry? Thirsty? Bored? Angry? Happy? Do i want to watch a DVD, if so which film from the mass category and genre of movie shall i watch? Sleepy, do i need sleep....do i want sleep? Loved? In love? Have loved? WHAT DO I NEED?! If only i came with an instruction manual, i could look up the troubleshoot section and see if i need to be turned on and off again. What am i doing? breathing, drinking a fizzy drink, looking at a screen, typing. I'm so confused....am i really confused, is my mood confused. the reason i have named this blog post is due to the first appearance of the 11th doctor Matt smith playing the doctor he finds himself essentially stuck, stuck in a state of confusion that could be counted as undecided, finding himself hungry, the young Amy pond makes various dishes of food for him to eat, until he finds an odd companion to fish fingers.......custard. Anyway....this mood can kinda tell and explain my life right now, i'm undecided. undecided on where to go next or head back to? Am i going forwards with my life, backwards, sideways?

So many questions, so little answers.

Some answers would be great.....

John (SalvoSoldier)

Memories

Memories, they are good and bad. We can spend quite a lot of money preserving memories, they can be in the form of bronzing babies boots or other items; we can take pictures and preserve them in a photo book, we can make videos of special memories and watch them years later. Those types of memories are the ones that we want to remember. Now i say want because most memories we remember are the one that we disliked, those types of memories haunt us, torment us, and could even make us go crazy. I had a chat with my friend and i will give you the gist of it, for me to move on and change, and basically give up the past. Looking back at the past, i have had a rather good life, life has been good with me. But for some reason i can only seem to find and only remember the bad things, the people that have hurt me, the people that i have hurt myself, the people i could have hurt if i made a different decision at the time. I'm going to be completely honest with you, i don't like looking back at the past.....but it's like im fixed to watch it. It torments me sometimes knowing what i have done to people who i have called friend. I have regret for a lot of things i have done and could have done, they drift and can even appear just when i don't want them to. Memories hurt for some people, and the funny thing is....sometimes, you can't even see it. You could know somebody for years, and think you know them, but they could have suffered, suffering from, or even soon to suffer. I'm saying this because....i basically try to live in the present, because the past is hard to find good things, and i'm scared about the future, knowing what i have done in the present and the past. It only takes the time of a click of a finger for something to change. It's scary to know, but it's true. Time is the past, present and future. Lived, Lives, Will live. And i need time for things to change, i need to change myself....again. I need to stop thinking and worrying about the past and future and i need to accept that things happen, i essentially need to man up.

For people that have read this and is in my life, please remember. I don't want to talk about the whole past, some things are left buried and locked away, now if you try to bury those memories up, i will shut down and walk away. So don't pressure me please, i'm not saying this to sound controlling but it's something i wish not to talk about, we all have those memories we keep locked away and im sure you wouldn't want people going through them, this is something i want to change at my own pace, myself.

The next few weeks, months, years....however long it will take, it going to be hard.

Yours

John (SalvoSoldier)

The american dream

Funny name for a blog post isn't it? It's funny really because i live and was born in the south east of England. Many people have heard the phrase, "I'm living the american dream!". The american dream was created during america's great wall street crash, and throughout the great depression. It was mainly a dream of freedom and a trouble free life, but it all came down to a common theme...happiness. The image that goes with this post is taken from the book, of mice and men. The book was written by John Steinbeck, it follows two men, Lenny and George, two average men working during the great depression, in the book they have a dream of having their own farm with a care free life. I won't ruin the ending for people who haven't read the book but the picture is somewhere near the start where they are camping by a river after a long day walking to the next job (a farm), and the thing that keeps them going is the dream, the dream of happiness. Now your probably thinking how does the american dream relate to a south east British teenager? Well everybody has their dreams and dream jobs, some people wish to be rich and famous, some of us what to be a change to society, and some of us want to be animals (don't ask). My dream job is to be a computer technician, i LOVE computers, it just amazes me how people can build such cool looking and fast computers. I have people say what's your dream to have experienced or have. I have though about it and i would have to say, happiness, sure i get happy and it's good to be happy but i'm not truly a happy person. Things go right and things...well lots of things go wrong. Over these few weeks it's like i have been taken 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I dream of a world where thing's don't go wrong and i'm internally happy, but the thing is, it's not real. That type of life isn't real, people say things are good but inside they know it's not. something will always go wrong and you have to accept it, fix it or if unfixable, move on with your life. It sounds depressing because it is. To explain life it's a bit like the Ying Yang symbol, where there is good, there is also bad and being realistic it's a constant battle of good and evil. But the thing is, if something didn't go wrong, living in a world where nothing bad happen or nothing needs to be fixed. We would get bored, we would be physically bored stiff. Their wouldn't be any hard work needed to be done because you would know it would go right. Motivation and determination to get things done wouldn't be needed and well we would be all happy smiling people with things going right, just imagining it, is depressing. So am i saying that bad things happening is good....no. it's not good but it's the thing that keeps us on our toes, i guess describing it. It's the thing that makes us work, the motivation to keep living. The determination to get out of bed.

In conclusion, bad things in life are just the road we take to reach the reward of that little spark of emotion called happiness. Which in my head just features Marvin the paranoid android saying "I think you ought to know i'm feeling very depressed"

Until next time bloggers and blog readers :)

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

Modern camouflage

I was on my way home from a frankly horrible day at sixth form, I decided to get off at the bus and walk through the shopping center through the town to get to the next bus stop (i take two buses to get home), and due to my bad mood i decided that i needed to be introverted. During my introverted state, i decided to block the whole world out and just think (mainly with blaring rock music), my mind gave me a question. Ponder this for a moment, if you had one super power....what would it be and why? you can guess by reading the name of the title what super power i decided. I chose to have modern camouflage, being an introvert i just dislike having to make small talk when i just want to be left alone, which i think most if not all introverts suffer from as well. Having the ability to just maneuver through a crowd and not get noticed. I pondered about the reasons why i would have this power...well to be honest, i have been getting noticed quite a lot recently, quite a few reasons. The first is that i have decided to let my hair grow a bit, i have now the ability to put it up into a pony tail, the downside i have been called so many look a likes, mainly the words Johnny Depp as i don't shave as much as i should do and have a wonderful mustache and chin hair to go with the look *sighs* *pretends to write note and speaks while writing* must, remember, to get a, shave. The second reason is that i'm pretty sure that my little sister is a extrovert, don't get me wrong she is a wonderful person to know, but she has a "loud" personality, which is a good thing but not exactly great for an introvert, so i get a lot of kids while i'm in an introverted state coming up to me in school and on the bus with the same question are you (my sisters name) brother. Which at first was OK, but now just kinda gets on my nerves (to put it lightly). I rather have recently been watching the BBC television show Sherlock, and their was a wonderful quote that said "The art of disguise is how to hide in plain sight" which leaped out to me, because my personal opinion of modern camouflage is the ability to hide in plain sight.

If you so wish, please comment on what your power would be and why and how would it be helpful? I would love to hear it! 

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

The Future (with a little tangent about my personality trait)

Have you ever heard the saying "what will the future hold for me?", or something along those lines? Today's Blog post is about the future. I have only recently woken up and checked my news feed on the popular social  networking site Facebook, today is one of the dreaded days for children who have recently left secondary school....results day. I remember my results day, it was a rather scary moment and viewing if i had the grades to get into Sixth form, well as you probably know from my previous posts i got in, but today looking at some of the status's, some was pleased about their results, some not so much. Over these few months where i have not been blogging, i have been thinking and researching, my father got me to take this test, it's called the Myers Briggs test, this test gives you a rough idea about your personality and the way you act in situations. If your familiar with this test your probably asking what category i am in, i am an ISTP. Most, maybe even all ISTP people take their lives one day at a time and don't tent to look towards the future that much, i can personally say yes, i try and take each day at a time because to be honest, the future scares me. When i say scared, i don't mean the future is a scary monster going to get me in my sleep or something. I mean that the future makes me worried about decisions, things like finding a job and education choices. Being an introvert, (The first letter in ISTP) I think thoroughly and sometimes too much, it could be about anything and everything, how situations could happen if i did this and what would be the reaction, apparently this is an advantage for an ISTP as if that situation occurs they have experience and have a rough idea what is going to happen. I personally can see a disadvantage that i have heard from a group that i am in on Facebook is that some ISTP's have the tendency to over think about things and need to stop. I have reached that stage before and it can give you a headache. This rough explanation gives you an idea why the future is personally scary for me and they way that i think.

To sum everything up, the future is scary and take the Myers Briggs test (it help you learn about yourself) it does wonders to help you learn about what makes you tick as a person.

Until next time Bloggers and Blog readers,

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

When life gives you lemons, watch a toddler?

Hello fellow bloggers and blog readers

When life gives you lemons, i have heard that saying so many times, in movies and in real life. I never really understood the meaning of it. Well someday hopefully i will, this few months it has been like life giving me lemons but a solutions for the blues has only come recently. Picture the situation, your in a crowded bus near the front and there a family on the bus with a small toddler your listening to your music while being shoved when the bus moves a corner, you cannot help but look at this small toddler no more than 3-4 years old, it looks up at you with it's small face but huge innocent eyes and you cannot help but smile. everything that was going on during that time didn't matter due to this small innocent toddler, it wasn't only me that was being affected there was at least another two more people that couldn't stop smiling. I urge anybody who has the blues to visit a friends house who has a toddler or watch a couple of YouTube videos with toddlers, you will find it hard not to smile.

So i leave you with this saying "when live gives you lemons, watch a toddler"

Until next time bloggers and blog readers

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

Just another update blog post (Sorry)

To all my Blog readers, i first off want to apoligise for the lack of posts and the mass stream of update posts. I'm finding that i am having less time to put aside to blog let alone blog something interesting. sixth form work has taken over an is becoming more important than anything else. nothing important has happened recently that i could have counted as interesting. so lets home that something happens.

i once again apoligise for the lack of posts, if anybody has any ideas to help me out of this lack of blog posts, contributions would be grateful.

until next time blog readers

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)

Oh what's the point?!

Now being in sixth form i have having less time to blog, but today i have the time to write a quite blog post to talk about how the few months have been and in more detail these past 2 weeks. I'm not going to lie but it has been less and less good by the minute. Anything that goes slighty right, something 10 times worse goes wrong and has been making me less and less concentrated with my work, not only this has affected me but also the friends and family i have. The reason for the name of the blog post, is that a 2 days ago i posted these words on my what's app (instant message application) status. "what's the point of doing anything, if all i am going to lose". I'm not going to talk in detail what has happened but all i am going to say is once again i have lost more friends, or at least might. My feelings for this is that i am stupid with friend , nothing has been going right and that my life is falling apart and im letting it happen. Hopefully things work out for me soon and i might be getting a "CBT" or also know as compulsary basic training (motorbikes/mopeds). Will keep you updated on things as it happens.

Also, one more thing.

Never lose those most closest to you, it hurts too much to lose.

Until next time fellow bloggers and blog readers

SalvoSoldier (John Machan)